Inspired by something inspirational

I wrote a great blog post for “National Coming Out day”, and then I left it on my work computer and couldn’t post it on the actual day – so I felt it had lost some luster and I wasn’t going to post it at all.

And then my old friend Jenn Adams posted a truly brave blog post – read it, it’s wonderful – and it inspired me to grab this 3 days old post and put it up.

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It’s National Coming Out Day, and I have a secret.


You see, I’m not gay.


Wait…what?



That’s right. Not gay. Never have been, and most likely never will be.

You see, I have always always ALWAYS identified as Bisexual. It took me so long to come to terms with how I felt inside. As I was growing up, I knew what “straight” meant, and I knew what “gay” meant. I had never met anyone who was out, but I had certainly seen “gay” represented on TV and movies – heck, I was in theatre – it was always around, even if it wasn’t acknowledged.

But I had never heard of the term “bisexual” – I didn’t know that it was out there, that it was an “option”. Frankly, I just thought that I was weird.

I had boyfriends – long term boyfriends. And I had sex, plenty of it. (sorry Mom & Sara). But I always felt that women were attractive too. I just couldn’t shake it. I was in relationships, and was perfectly happy with what I had, but I would notice attractive men AND attractive women. And I just didn’t know what it meant. I would step back and say, “Maybe I’m gay?”. And I’d think it through – yes, I found women attractive and intriguing…..but I also felt the same way about men.

I came to the conclusion that I must just be sexually perverted. That there was something terribly wrong with me. So I just bit my lip, and tried to stash those thoughts away. I took those feelings and bottled them up, and tried to forget about them. I would avert my eyes and look at the floor whenever I was in the dressing room for a show, or in the locker room before a practice. I didn’t want anyone else to know what I was thinking.

Then, I went to college – and there’s wasn’t a big “A-ha” moment or anything, but I was in a more relaxed mode, as well as surrounded by people who were very different from the rest of the college and were terribly proud of it. My synapses relaxed a bit, and it all just became apparent. And on 10/11/94, National Coming Out Day, I approached my theatre pal Danny Swain, who was the gayest man at Salem State Theatre (Sorry, Brent & Jay, Danny wins…), and I told Danny “I just wanted to let you know today on Coming Out Day, that I’m Bisexual”. And Danny just hugged me and said “That’s GREAT!” And he meant it.

All those years of feeling like a deviant just melted away. I was finally able recognize who I really was, and that THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

So I went forth – and dated men, and dated women, fooled around with men, fooled around with women, flirted like crazy, made some great connections, had some fun times, made some mistakes (as 22 year olds are bound to…), but no matter the mistakes I never EVER felt ashamed of my feelings. Whether it was 6 months of dating or 5 minutes in a bathroom (I’m looking right at you, Amy McHugh), it all made me comfortable with who I am. And as trite as it may sound, it made me a better person.

And I guess I’d like to add that to the “It Gets Better” movement. I’m in a happier place now than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I am proud of who I am and who I love. Sara is a kick ass chick. We’ve been together 9 years now, and we’ve both really grown into the adults we’re going to be while we were with each other. I am living the cliché – everyone always says that the physical attraction and the looks will fade and your partner you choose better be someone you like spending time with. I don’t just like spending time with Sara – I love it. She makes me laugh more than anyone else ever has, and I genuinely enjoy her company, her conversation and her companionship.

I’m able to receive love from Sara, because I first had to love myself and be true to who I am in my heart and in my head.

September 13th

In years past, I have written some silly blog entries for Sara's Birthdays (we've celebrated 8 together now), but this one is a personal milestone for her, so I'll dispense with silliness this year.

Happy 30th Birthday sweetie! I love you more and more every day, and I love the family we have become. Each day I have with you is a treasure, and the fact that you put up with me shows you have the patience of a saint!

I love you!

"I'm yours...."

I think the barometer of how good a couple you are is how WELL one of you can hold out the camera and take a GOOD shot of the 2 of you as a couple. (Nothing worse than asking someone else"could you take our picture?", I mean, any old schlub can do THAT)

If you can't hack a good picture of the 2 of you on your own, it's not meant to be.
That being said, I think me and my partner in crime for the last 8 years do a pretty fucking awesome job of taking pics together (Although to be be fair, Sara does the picture taking - but its a logistical thing, the girl's almost 5'10" for cripes sake!)
Anyway, I guess what I'm TRYING to say is, I love you sweetie! Happy Anniversay!
Meeting you a little over 8 years ago was the best thing that's ever happened to me. No one makes me laugh more and there's no one I'd rather be with.

Jason Mraz might say it best, though:
"Well open up your mind and see like me...
open up your plans and damn you're free ...
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love ...
listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing with me ...
We're just one big family...
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved"

(...and now some examples of how much we belong together)

(Brownlee /Morris Wedding, June 2008)

(Beach Preserve area at Crystal Cove State Park, Laguna Beach, CA - Feb 2008)

(Boat Tour of Lake Eustis in Tavares, FL - Feb 2009)

(On Liberty Island, NYC - July 2009)

(Top of the Empire State Building, NYC- July 2009)



















(Weekend getaway to Saugatuck, MI - Nov 2007*)




(*that last one is the best, and one of my favorites... I can't remember whose idea it was to look at each other...but it was a great one)

Trust me, I was touched

Last night, I joined Jen, Dave & Jen's sister Amy to go and see New Leaf's production of "Touch". When the show was over, we were all smushed into Amy's car, and Jen asked all of us what we thought - we all agreed that we needed some time to let the show "marinate" in us, if you will.

For me, the answer is simple and yet complex. I loved it and hated it equally. I loved the show and the performances were absolutley outstanding. I hated that it completely knocked me sideways. I cried throughout most of the show - I'll drop the tears on movies and even commercials for crying out loud, but it's rare to find a theatre piece that moves me as much as this one did. Which is funny, when you think about how I've always pursued the theatre life, and never tried to do any movie work, etc. I mean, theatre is my life of choice, my adopted family that always hugs me and tells me that I rock. Why had nothing ever affected me like this before? Without sounding trite, perhaps my heart was waiting for the perfect confluence of events to spill forth ragged tears of sorrow.

(**if you haven't seen the show and plan to, I plan on discussing details - you were warned**)

I can pinpoint the moment I started crying. Kyle tells the story of how his beloved Zoe one time came over to where he was sitting one night, amongst a group of friends, and didn't simply sit on his lap, but curled up ON HIM. She then told him that she loved him "...in front of other people!"
I couldn't help it - the intimacy of the gesture just filled my heart to overflowing, and i started to cry.

The loss and pain that Kyle dealt with during this journey was so overwhelming, that I felt overwhelmed for him - I wanted to hug him, and yet knew that my gesture would accomplish nothing, as his sorrow was too great.

There's a beacon of hope for Kyle at the end. Things aren't perfect, and never will be (how honost is THAT), but there is HOPE, which is very important.

Jen dropped me off at the red line, and I sat on the train, listening to melancholy music as I usually do, but this time it MAY have been a mistake. I bit the inside of my cheeks from Sheridan all the way to Jarvis to keep from crying. As I got off the train and made my way down the alley toward my house, the music shifted to The Beatles "Yesterday". It made think of Sara, she's the one who has turned me on (late, i know) to The Beatles, so all their music makes me think of her by default.

I quickened my pace - it was FREEZING, by the way, which is in and of itself depressing. With a heavy heart, I did my usual nightime routine. Put out my bag, keys, clothes for work. Kept holding it in. Got into bed. Sara came in a little later, slid in beside me. I held her tight, as if I thought she might not be there when I let go. I tried to explain why I was so melancholy, and for once she didn't call me a nerd for crying about something I saw. I tried to impart why it had affected me so deeply, but I'm pretty sure I was just yammering.
She held me close and then kissed me tenderly while we made love in the dark.
I told her I was so sorry for being so out of sorts, and she just held me and stroked my head while we fell asleep.

My heart still aches today.

1,000

Don is celebrating a milestone today. Congrats man.

I cannot imagine coming up with something coherant and worthy to say every single day. Heck, there are times when I don't post here for weeks. (Although, I've been trying to be better, at least one post a week, more if possible.)
I don't at all consider myself a writer - I'm a "jotter".
I just kind of "jot" down things going on in my life and things going on in the world around me.

I did some of that in college - I used to keep a "quote" book - and always jot down thinsg that I felt were worthy - and back in those days it was usually bawdy humour and double entendre's(sp?).

I've never kept a journal for any longer than a few months - there was usually a stopping point where I'd forget to write for a few weeks, and then there's the inevitable entry that starts "Wow - I haven't written in awhile!".

In comparison to Don, I think I've only got around 120 posts. Thats not a lot. But, it was only 75 or so 2 months or so ago, which shows I've been writing more - or rather, "jotting" more.
Most of the things I write are pretty mundane - stories about things me and Sara saw or did, shows I'm working on, shitheads on the CTA - just day to day stuff.


So how are things today?
* Sara and I have been working opposit schedules for a few days, so we haven't been seeing a lot of each other, except when we kiss goodnight.
* Metaluna rehearsals are amazing. It's the best show I've ever worked on, and I still have no idea what it's about. You're all going to love it.
* Today's CTA shit head? Today, I got a lot of ass in the face - and not in a pleasant way. Summertime sucks for close bodies on the train - smelly & sweaty - yuck.

Another mundane update tomorrow.

(oh, and Brownlee? it's your turn on Scrabulous)

random stuff

• It's "hell-week" for our annual playwrighting fest. This is the week that we have to complete the playreading, comile all of our votes and then fight out the finalists. We didn't get ad many entys this year as in years past (last year we got close to 140). I would conservatively say we got about 75 or 80 this year? I haven't checked in recently with the person collecting the plays - hopefully that number has risen. I'll keep you updated {grin}

• random - the "naked bike ride' happened over the weekend and they drove right past Briar Street theatre, but I was busy inside the theatre, and didn't see ANYTHING. I come out to the lobby, and all of the staff are like "dude, I just saw bunch of breasts and penis'. And then we had a discussion about whether the plural of penis is "penises" or "penii". I prefer "penii", myself (not literally, of course...)

• The Soprano's ended last night. It was a LITERAL "ftb". Very nice.

• I ache to own the seasons of "Deadwood" and I can't explain why.... maybe the end of ONE of my favorite foul-mouthed shows makes me yearn for another? I'm watching an auction on eBay for season one. cross your fingers.

• I'm supposed to bring in LOST:Season One for my co-worker Lizette, and I KEEP FORGETTING. It's obviously a sign of age.

• I am excited beyond explanation about me and Sara's road trip for Labor Day weekend.

• I keep trying to come up with a plan that would allow me to work at BMG full-time. The thing that keeps me chained to the hotel are the benefits. They don't emply a LOT of administrative people, so it's a tight fit there... I'm hoping if maybe someone gets an opportunity at another BMG theatre I could slide in there (company management feels the most natural, I think). But, I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm just BARELY at the end of my 90-day period for crying out loud :)

• Thats all the news thats fit to print today.