Trust me, I was touched

Last night, I joined Jen, Dave & Jen's sister Amy to go and see New Leaf's production of "Touch". When the show was over, we were all smushed into Amy's car, and Jen asked all of us what we thought - we all agreed that we needed some time to let the show "marinate" in us, if you will.

For me, the answer is simple and yet complex. I loved it and hated it equally. I loved the show and the performances were absolutley outstanding. I hated that it completely knocked me sideways. I cried throughout most of the show - I'll drop the tears on movies and even commercials for crying out loud, but it's rare to find a theatre piece that moves me as much as this one did. Which is funny, when you think about how I've always pursued the theatre life, and never tried to do any movie work, etc. I mean, theatre is my life of choice, my adopted family that always hugs me and tells me that I rock. Why had nothing ever affected me like this before? Without sounding trite, perhaps my heart was waiting for the perfect confluence of events to spill forth ragged tears of sorrow.

(**if you haven't seen the show and plan to, I plan on discussing details - you were warned**)

I can pinpoint the moment I started crying. Kyle tells the story of how his beloved Zoe one time came over to where he was sitting one night, amongst a group of friends, and didn't simply sit on his lap, but curled up ON HIM. She then told him that she loved him "...in front of other people!"
I couldn't help it - the intimacy of the gesture just filled my heart to overflowing, and i started to cry.

The loss and pain that Kyle dealt with during this journey was so overwhelming, that I felt overwhelmed for him - I wanted to hug him, and yet knew that my gesture would accomplish nothing, as his sorrow was too great.

There's a beacon of hope for Kyle at the end. Things aren't perfect, and never will be (how honost is THAT), but there is HOPE, which is very important.

Jen dropped me off at the red line, and I sat on the train, listening to melancholy music as I usually do, but this time it MAY have been a mistake. I bit the inside of my cheeks from Sheridan all the way to Jarvis to keep from crying. As I got off the train and made my way down the alley toward my house, the music shifted to The Beatles "Yesterday". It made think of Sara, she's the one who has turned me on (late, i know) to The Beatles, so all their music makes me think of her by default.

I quickened my pace - it was FREEZING, by the way, which is in and of itself depressing. With a heavy heart, I did my usual nightime routine. Put out my bag, keys, clothes for work. Kept holding it in. Got into bed. Sara came in a little later, slid in beside me. I held her tight, as if I thought she might not be there when I let go. I tried to explain why I was so melancholy, and for once she didn't call me a nerd for crying about something I saw. I tried to impart why it had affected me so deeply, but I'm pretty sure I was just yammering.
She held me close and then kissed me tenderly while we made love in the dark.
I told her I was so sorry for being so out of sorts, and she just held me and stroked my head while we fell asleep.

My heart still aches today.

The Blue Sack

My buddy Joe gave me the title.

Blue Man gave me "the sack"... witty, isn't it? :)

Oh well, I can now say "the current economic crisis has affected me". The silver lining is that I only worked there part time, and I do have a well-paying day job, so money-wise, we're ok.
But, I loved working there, and I'm going to miss it terribly.

Anyone out there looking for a house manager for their winter show?
Or a Stage Manager for their Spring one?
I am clearly available.

"some...may say...I'm wishing my days away.."

what a whirlwind weekend!
And by whirlwind, I mean a whirlwind of emotions. Lots of ups and downs....




The ups?

*Sara and I went to see "The Police" at Allstate Arena Saturday night. Believe me when I say EFFING AWESOME. Elvis Costello opened and he just rocked. Sara and I looked at each other and kept saying "why do we not own more of his stuff?"


*Yesterday was Mother's Day - I called my mom and chatted for about a 1/2 hour - it was great to talk to her. We also did a get together at Sara's mom's - barbecue and bonfire. The weather was sucking, so we grilled on the front porch and then chilled inside all night (no bonfire). We had a great time - lots of laughs.


The downs?

*Sara's aunt is really sick. "They" aren't sure how much longer. It's really sad, her aunt is one of the sweetest ladies. I just makes my heart ache.


*and if my heart already wasn't aching enough.... There's a tattoo I have, which some have seen, some haven't. Here it is:

It's a beautiful memorial tattoo for my dad. I love it. It was designed by a great friend of mine, and I treasure it. If you check out one of the details, though, you'll see the second date is "5.11.88". Yeah, that was 20 years ago yesterday.

I had my little cry first thing in the morning, with a resolve to not let it get me down this year -- but you gotta admit - that "20 year anniversary" thing is pretty heavy to handle. There are so many things in my life that my dad had to miss, it's too painful to think of them. So, what makes me feel better every year is I think of the things he DIDN'T miss. He was present for the birth of all 4 of his children. He was lucky enough to find love twice. He got to be the PROUD father of a great local baseball player (my bro). He got to do lots of things.

Those that know me know that I'm a rabid baseball fan, with a devotion to the Red Sox above all other things. I was brought up in a baseball household, what with Danny playing for as long as I can remember. One of the coolest things my dad was able to do, was bring me to my very first Red Sox game - and I TOTALLY remember it. It was cold fall night - late in the season, and we were playing the Detroit Tigers (it was a makeup game for an earlier rainout). It was a Friday night, and my boys won their game, 6-1. I remember cheering with my dad, huddling under the blanket, and cracking open peanuts together. We had a great time.

So, 5 years later, when my dad unexpectedly passed away, my stepmother was going through his things, and she was cleaning out his wallet and found this:

Yeah, thats a ticket from the game - and he had written on it "Dianna's first game". He had kept it in his wallet for *5 YEARS*. I cried like a baby when my stepmother gave me that ticket.

Over the years, I have kept it in a strongbox, and in a safe, but now I actually keep it in MY wallet. I know, i know.... my wallet could be lost or stolen, and it would be gone forever. That's true - but I would always have the memory of that ticket and I would always KNOW that it existed. And I truly feel that the ticket BELONGS in my wallet. And that's where it's going to stay.

I miss you so much at times dad that it aches. I look at that ticket and I look at pictures of you and I wish with all my heart that you were here. I just want to hug you and tell you that I love you.

I love you dad and I miss you very much.